Jhames
James Elliott Designs.

Fresh Feeling

By Jhames | 2 Comments |
Posted November 23, 2009 in life

When I was eight years old my mom gave me and my two younger siblings a movie option: we could either see Disney’s re-release of Bambi, or we could see Halloween III: Season of the Witch. We jumped up and down chanting the latter option like we children were witches dancing around a bonfire. Then we went to the theater and actually watched the movie, scenes of Halloween masks melting the faces of children and killers claiming their victims with a cordless drill to the head. Twenty-something years later, I’d like to apologize to the moviegoers who were subjected to my vocal protests during the movie: my mom had the power to veto and she was not about to see her money wasted on those tickets. To this day, the theme song from that movie gives me the shakes.

We were not a normal family when it came to watching movies. Alice in Wonderland was followed with The Thing, starring Kurt Russell and a alien-infected dog whose head split open like a flower before a bagpipe-inspired mass erupted from the carcass. After Willie Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, The Shining. Hey, why not, right? Both movies have important morals for children to learn:

  1. adults cannot be trusted because
  2. they want to kill you

A childhood of scary movies produced a love for quality horror films. I still regard The Exorcist as one of my favorite scary movies but The Exorcist III has one of the scariest moments in horror for me. And that scene in Poltergeist III with Tangina in the elevator? Jesus Mary Joseph.

I didn’t have high expectations for The Ring when I saw it in the theater. How scary can a PG-13 film be? After watching that film, I covered every mirror in my apartment for a week. To this day I cannot look at a mirror when the lights are turned off. I don’t care how absurd it may seem to fear imaginary characters from horror films but undead young children are fucking terrifying. They just are.

For years friends have encouraged me to write about my life adventures. There are days when I have the necessary momentum to write about my job on Fire Island when I was 18, or my short-lived immersion in a yoga sex cult. But then I lose the inertia to sit down and write. I don’t have writer’s block, rather lack of desire to spend hours chronicling my life—nothing kills the spirit of writing like comparisons to David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs. I don’t want to write to be another gay man writing about his life, I want to transcend who I fuck*.

The other evening I awoke with a urgent need to pee. As I made my way to the bathroom I made certain not to look in any mirror. That’s when I realized, as I sat on the toilet peeing, an irrational fear at 35 is something worth exploring. Possibly in a horror story. I’ve watched enough scary movies to know how to write a good horror plot.

If you are also a purveyor of quality horror, what do you enjoy most? What should I absolutely avoid at all costs? Or should I just stick with what is tried and true and simply unload all of my family baggage into a book that could rival the length of War and Peace?

* Thank you, Erika, for writing that wonderful description about me.

Vegan Betty

By Jhames | Comments Off |
Posted November 17, 2009 in life

Each loaf measures 14" by 7"

Each loaf measures 14" by 7"

This is my second attempt at baking bread. Before I had a chance to photograph my first attempt, Justin was already in the kitchen with a bread knife making quick work of the loaf I baked in a proper loaf pan. These loaves were permitted to sit on a cool rack long enough for me to snap this photo with my iPhone. Then Justin took to them with a bread knife.

In all my years of cooking and baking, I had never attempted baking bread from scratch. I think it had everything to do with my mom baking whole wheat bread at home. No matter how amazing the bread smelled whilst baking, that loaf came out hard as a rock and resembled a similar density. I know that white flour is eschewed by all proper gay homes but baking with whole wheat flour just ain’t gonna happen. I’d much rather endure the carbs in loaves baked with white flour. Also, I’m not partial to eating rocks.

I have my mom’s copy of Betty Crocker’s Cookbook which, surprisingly, contains many recipes that can be made vegan. The recipe for white bread in the cookbook called for 3 tablespoons shortening which probably meant lard back in Betty’s time. A simple conversion to hydrogenated vegetable oils and I had vegan bread rising & baking in the kitchen. The trick to baking bread is allowing the dough to properly rise twice. During my second attempts, I let the loaves rise for over an hour which created a lighter density when fully baked.

Baking bread loaves bigger than a baby has its advantages:

  1. One loaf is just the right size for making Roasted Eggplant and Spinach Muffuletta Sammiches from The Veganomicon
  2. The insides of the bread loaf that need to be excavated for the aforementioned sammiches can be dried and used for the crumb topping of Pumpkin Penne Pasta with Caramelized Onions (also from The Veganomicon)

We’re saving the other loaf, what’s left of it anyway, for French toast this weekend.

Cookbooks, people. They’ll save the publishing industry and destroy the processed foods industry.

Dear Maine

By Jhames | 1 Comment |
Posted November 4, 2009 in politics

The idea of legalized marriage for gay and lesbian couples offends your sensitivities. Know what offends my sensitivities?

  • People who wear UGGs and Crocs.
  • People that can’t spell.
  • People that can’t tell the difference between “your” and “you’re”
  • Hipsters. Fucking hipsters.
  • Corporate personhood.

You claim that marriage is a union between one man and one woman. Fine. Have your sacred fucking union but give everyone the same rights afforded married couples. I’m pretty sure that a gay couple desiring power of attorney for each other in case of catastrophe is not going to destroy your sacred union.

Please spare me your religious diatribes about gays being abominations of God. I’ve read the Bible enough to know that Christians have no problem picking and choosing passages to suit their needs. Self-entitlement abounds in Christianity, and one need look no further than so-called Christians who gossip, lie, steal, abuse, and kill. I’m pretty sure that killing other human beings in the name of patriotism doesn’t provide a seat in Heaven.

In Washington, we residents may be passing a referendum that provides gay and lesbian couples the same rights as married couples with the exception of legal marriage. This has been called a “foot in the door” by a friend, but I call it step ’n fetchit. In the year 2009, everyone should have equal rights and no one should be voting on the rights of other citizens.

President Obama needs to end this bullshit policy of allowing states to vote on the issue of gay marriage and gay rights. If he could accept private donations from the LGBT community during his campaign, he sure as shit can put his foot down on states like Maine – and Washington – and declare that everyone gets the same amount of rights. Period. Until then, he sold out the LGBT community as badly as Maine did to its gay and lesbian couples.

So, Maine.

Fuck your lobsters.
Fuck your blueberries.
Fuck your L.L. Bean stores.
Fuck Stephen King.