Photolog
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Unexpected Delight
2008 August 13
Last week I was on a plane bound for JFK (NYC, btw, FYI) when a beautiful young woman seated next to me struck up a conversation. She works in adult entertainment, her persona being the one and only Lexi Love [NSFW]. Me being a huge poof, I wasn’t familiar with her career (via Fleshbot) [NSFW]. Nonetheless I found her charming and we talked the entire duration of the flight.
Lexi is a fellow vegan and has her own production company. She has worked in the industry for 10 years (you’d never know it) and truly enjoys her career. She went to school for chemical engineering and can tell you some horror stories about the foods we eat. Incidentally, maraschino cherries contain benzaldehyd and not formaldehyde, but you still have artificial food coloring to contend with.
Lexi and I traded contact information and now we’re friends on a couple social networks (!!!). This only goes to show that you should take every opportunity to talk with someone new ’cos you never know just who you’ll meet.
To any and all men who shower at the gym
2008 July 16
No one, and I mean no one, wants to hear your grunting. Ever.
Power to the people
2008 June 22
Since I last posted my recent bout with pubic lice, I found myself getting nowhere fast with the club manager Chad. Not one to give up, I blindly tried two e-mail addresses at 24 Hour Fitness. Within an hour, I made contact.
Dear Mr. Elliott:
First of all thank you for the letter of concern and second I apologize for you having to experience a sub par condition of our DT Seattle club. I can assure you that we take our cleanliness and member concerns very serious.
I am currently out of the office until next week but will address the situation as soon as I get back. There are never any excuses for our club to not be at the standard of excellence and obviously we have dropped the ball here.
Once I do my due diligence and get this situation fixed, I will follow back up with you to let you know what steps we have taken to make sure you or any other member never has to go through this again.
We do appreciate your patronage Mr. Elliott and please know that at 24 Hour Fitness we do care about making sure we have the best facilities and the best member experience.
Sincerely,
Steve Block
Regional Vice President
Lesson: every member of a company should recognize their brand and its value to the consumer. It’s not enough that an executive should understand what it means to uphold a company’s mission and values. Where the disconnect occurred between a regional vice president and a club manager is a soon to be an open employment opportunity.
Monday I received an e-mail from the club manager: I would receive a full refund of my prepaid membership. Never doubt the power of the consumer.
How I learned to stop worrying and love the Google Bomb
2008 June 14
I contracted pubic lice from the locker room at 24 Hour Fitness in Downtown Seattle.
I want search engines to link their search results with this entry, thus I made a clear, concise statement about the gym. The club, to date, will not refund my entire prepaid membership and will not take any responsibility for its lack of hygiene in the locker rooms. I have no intention of taking a partial credit for my membership, 24 Hour Fitness is negligible for its unsanitary practices and placing their members at risk for exposure to pubic lice. I have already begun a widespread campaign to bring down the facility until my demand is met: online reviews of 24 Hour Fitness.
Taking search engine optimization one step further, I am linking this entry to my review of 24 Hour Fitness in Downtown Seattle on Yelp. I also posted reviews of 24 Hour Fitness in Downtown Seattle on NWSource, Yahoo! Local and Google. Within the past few days, two of my reviews are within the top 10 search results for “pubic lice locker rooms” and “pubic lice from my gym”.
24 Hour Fitness, as a brand and a service, cannot afford to lose consumer trust. Any slip in a company’s brand allows its competition a market advantage: money must be invested in public relations and increased advertising to win back the consumer.
My prepaid membership totaled $391.82.
24 Hour Fitness will easily spend that amount, and much more, within an hour in hopes of reversing the PR damage done.
Lesson for any brand: do not ignore or abuse the consumer’s trust. Especially in the electronic age.
Leaving the sunshine behind
2008 April 01
15 minutes or so ago, CITIZENDANGERX boarded a plane (first class, natch) for his new home in L.A. Two years ago we exchanged e-mails after liking each other’s flickr sets, and last year I had the pleasure of meeting him for the first time. Apparently I was unaware of how big a celebrity (in his own mind) he is (was) in Seattle, I should never have washed my hands after touching him. Everything else, however, is another story—but I digress.
If you live in L.A. (why?), you should make it a point to reach out and touch CDX. He’s funny, charming, totally full of himself and riddled with talent. And issues. For days. But in a good way, like watching Punky Brewster coming to terms with puberty.
Leave them babies be
2008 March 29
Bless your heart.
Hey… That was not genuine bless my heart.
That’s okay, I'm not a bona-fide southerner.
I am. Arkansas.
So BYH is best reserved for moments like “that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen bless its heart”?
Unless the recipient of this phrase is on his/her deathbed or about to have a limb amputated, it’s usually not a term of endearment. Rarely directed at babies, more often to the Rubenesque bridesmaid who, like her ultra-skinny companions in the line-up, is wearing a mauve taffeta dress with a big ol’ lace-lined satin bow on her ass… bless her heart, that’s not a good look for her.
I miss the old New York
2008 March 20
I am back in New York for the week, it’s been a long time since I set foot on these city’s streets. A lot has changed in the city since I last lived here, the results seem a mixed blessing to me. On the one hand, I have vegan options for eating in Williamsburg. On the other hand, I have vegan options for eating in Williamsburg. My old neighborhood in the Lower East Side has changed, gone is the Satanic tattoo parlor I lived above, and “FREE WiFi” is advertised along with happy hour specials. And as much as I enjoy the occasional burrito from Chipotle, I have a problem with seeing one in St. Mark’s Place.
No matter where I walked through the city, one experience remained the same. Every single Starbucks I visited rang my venti tea with soy as a tea misto, add soy. Needless to say, I corrected the partners ringing up my drink even as they gave me a confused look or a bit of ’tude. How Howard thinks this lack of customer service is going to improve the Starbucks experience is beyond me, but more power to him.
When in New York, do make a point of exploring the city beyond Manhattan, and get your beverages from somewhere other than Starbucks. Just until Howard helps his stores get their shit together.
An open letter to Howard Schultz
2008 January 10
Howard Schultz, CEO
Starbucks
Dear Mr Schultz,
Welcome back to Starbucks, I hear you have big plans for “focusing on ‘reigniting’ the connection with consumers”. If I may, and since you’re here, I would like offer some advice as to how your vision can be realized starting today.
I am not much of an espresso drinker (unless I’m in Italy where a solo is only €0,99), but I do enjoy Tazo’s Earl Grey with steamed soy milk. I’ve been drinking this beverage since high school, my coffee house growing up called it a “Cambric” but I’ve also heard it called a “Foggy London”. It’s not as if my beverage request is particularly difficult to understand: a venti cup, two tea tags with half hot water, half steamed soy milk.
I often have to repeat my request to those partners who are inexperienced with my beverage. I have no qualms explaining my beverage fabrication, obviously I want it done right. Then the moment of vexation arrives: your partners want to charge me for a tea soy misto, but that means adding a soy milk charge in addition to the prix fixe for tea served with steamed milk which is not what I ordered. Here’s an idea: why not just charge me for a large tea with soy milk seeing how that’s exactly what I ordered?
I know you’ve got a lot of work to do now that you’re back in charge. Once you’ve caught up, feel free to get in touch with me—along with a check refunding every Cambric / Foggy London with steamed soy milk I’ve ever purchased in your stores.
ox,
-J.
Dear Site Visitor
2008 January 05
Thank you for visiting, I appreciate the love Google sends my way. However, if you are coming to my site as a search result for james elliot nude pictures, please take note of the following:
- My last name is spelled with two Ts. Elliott.
- I’m flattered, and obviously chock full of ego, but your request ain’t gonna happen.
I’m a believer in Public Service Announcements, and I have no intention of being another Sarah. Regardez:
Maybe this young hussy Sarah spells her name without an ‘h’, but we all know she probably didn’t think to disguise her real name online.
ox,
-J.
Patsy, I’m 72
2008 January 01
Looking at this photo it’s hard to believe that I’m 33, right? But I am, I tell you, I AM! People often compliment my youthful glow and appearance, then they curse my family genes. Let’s face it, after 30 people start looking haggard and dried up like beef jerky sold at 7-11. Why do you think so many people in their thirties pursue a life of narcissism in the gym? Because the collagen is all used up and that leathery skin will not look good in an A&F all on its own. Trust. And sure, you could say genetics play an important factor in my looks, but chromosomes can only do so much. And where they fail, my tricks take care of the rest.
Every morning when I arise, I drink 1 cup of apple cider vinegar with a chaser of water. While studies show that apple cider vinegar is good for the body’s metabolism, really I just want to keep my stomach shrunk to the size of a soybean. Consequently, I eat a soybean every day for strength and sustenance. For those moments when I need an energy boost, I make strong black coffee. At least once an hour. And no sugar, that’s just taking on unnecessary calories. I don’t use Splenda because that shit is made by bonding sugar with chlorine, and that ain’t right. This here is a natural house.
Exercise takes a lot of time and causes sweat – ew – instead I choose to smoke as much as I can. When I first wake up in the morning, I have a cigarette ready to light before my feet touch the floor. Between sips of coffee, I’m already taking a drag off my fifth or sixth morning cigarette. When I step out of the shower I’ve got one on a towel and the other on my pack. You might think that smoking is an expensive addiction, but its’s not as if I have a grocery bill (apple cider vinegar is cheap and a bag of edamame keeps me fed for a year easy).
Most people will tell you that alcohol is bad for you. These people are boring and most likely resemble Suzanne Somers. That’s just all types of wrong. Gin is a wondrous creation, especially Hendrick’s. I have at least five cocktails a night, all that caffeine needs a mighty strong combatant. By drinking top shelf gin I avoid hangovers. And since I don’t exercise, I don’t have to worry about sweating out any alcohol through my skin. Speaking of skin, I use vodka for a refreshing toner to prevent wrinkling or just to chase with coffee when people ask me stupid questions.
Lastly, and most importantly, I find young men in their twenties and extract their collagen. My lower incisors are able to hold tight onto their necks during times of struggle. My canines are hollow and can quickly take what I need before anyone has a chance to contact the police. Lucky for me, Seattle is chock full of men in their twenties, so I never need worry about low supply.
If you want to take that extra initiative in your every day appearance, I recommend buying clothes that cost as much as most people’s mortgage payments. That sweater you found at The Gap may be cute, but you know twelve other bitches thought the same thing. Find stores where clothes are sold in limited quantities and be sure to spend at least $100 on a t-shirt. If your jacket doesn’t cost at least $800, then you’re going to make a lasting impression on complete strangers. And you’re also poor. Ew.
Won’t scratch surfaces
2007 October 28
I don’t see the need for making four simple words – “do your goddamn job” – into “Yes, you are so right about this project and its lack of proper direction to date. I want you to know I truly appreciate the effort you’ve given up to now, and I am really looking forward to the next revision now that you have a better sense of what the client wants!” Apparently, my way is perceived as hostile and abrasive. What the fuck ever.
My friend Sean recommended a really good book that is easy to read and absorb: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most by a group of authors associated with the Harvard Project on Negotiation. The book takes no time to read at all and teaches you how to constructively talk with clients, employees, bosses, spouses, just about anyone. Now that I know the importance of honoring a person’s sense of self and self-image, I can better request to do the goddamn job without making anyone cry or feel resentful.
If you ever find yourself being told you’re perceived as abrasive amongst your peers, quickly put out your cigarette on the accuser’s exposed skin and pick up this book at your local independent bookseller. See if you don’t read this book and call people by name on the examples given to demonstrate misunderstood intentions or being an all-around whiny fuck. To yourself, I mean.
Another year, another edition
2007 September 29
My new Graphic Artists Guild Handbook: Pricing & Ethical Guidelines arrived in the mail a couple days ago, this is now the 12th edition. Twelfth! Twelve! Know what else comes in twelve?
The Handbook is an essential tool for independent designers who want to know the current market trends for competitive pricing and contract legal terms. The book costs less than what most people spend on weed or blow, and isn’t the success of your company more important than skunk or that shit cut with baby powder? I ask you.
A p pl e
2007 June 01
Apple sent its release about iTunes Plus this morning:
I still have not read the entire e-mail, for the obvious lack of kerning in the text graphics has burned a hole in my heart. The lack of kerning wouldn’t so painful to view if the team responsible for the graphics let one letter pair slip their scrutiny, but over ten?
Jesus Mother Mary Joseph. Nary the kerning! NARY! I may faint.
Memo to Apple: if you are going to bill yourselves as the computer of choice for designers, it would be to your benefit if you were to practice what you preach. Hell, y’all, just watch videos for free at Yahoo! Music and buy DRM-free music in a little-known (overlooked, you might say) format called MP3 at eMusic.
Derivado and don’t
2007 May 23
Never, ever
- create a composite design; or
- create a vector illustration
from
- images found on search engines; or
- comp images downloaded from stock image sites
What you may consider “custom” doesn’t make for original or derivative work. What you have is, in fact, a huge copyright violation.
What’s the harm? you ask. Simple.
Download any photo comp from a stock image site and create a vector illustration from the image. Or download a series of JPEGs from search engines and create a composite image. Sell either one to a client as royalty-free imagery. Then wait for your client to receive a cease-and-desist letter from a company’s attorney because the supposedly original image you created is recognized as a derivative work of an image that was not rightfully purchased. Next, expect a letter from your client’s lawyer(s) demanding the money you were originally paid, plus any additional amount the company may have suffered due to loss of brand value. If you are working through an agency, you may lose your job because you put them at risk for being sued.
If you are a freelance designer, purchase a quality digital camera and take your own custom stock images. Create your own library of vector images that you can mix and match depending on your clients’ needs. Purchase Adobe Creative Suite 3 and use Bridge to embed metadata such as creator and copyright information. Or simply talk with your client about creative solutions that are affordable (for them) and efficient (for you).
Know your copyright, and remember: Edie before Lindsay. Or Paris. Or that small, starving child, the one that looks like a chihuahua. Whatshername.
Learn from my mistakes™: part 1 in a series
2007 May 09
Via text, no less:
If there is one thing you have been dead right about. It would be that being a professional drinker in this business does not fly. It was beer bust Sunday. I barely feel at eighty percent now. Your next news article should be an advice column to designers.
Um, kids? Don’t ever go to work drunk.