Looking at this photo it’s hard to believe that I’m 33, right? But I am, I tell you, I AM! People often compliment my youthful glow and appearance, then they curse my family genes. Let’s face it, after 30 people start looking haggard and dried up like beef jerky sold at 7-11. Why do you think so many people in their thirties pursue a life of narcissism in the gym? Because the collagen is all used up and that leathery skin will not look good in an A&F all on its own. Trust. And sure, you could say genetics play an important factor in my looks, but chromosomes can only do so much. And where they fail, my tricks take care of the rest.
Every morning when I arise, I drink 1 cup of apple cider vinegar with a chaser of water. While studies show that apple cider vinegar is good for the body’s metabolism, really I just want to keep my stomach shrunk to the size of a soybean. Consequently, I eat a soybean every day for strength and sustenance. For those moments when I need an energy boost, I make strong black coffee. At least once an hour. And no sugar, that’s just taking on unnecessary calories. I don’t use Splenda because that shit is made by bonding sugar with chlorine, and that ain’t right. This here is a natural house.
Exercise takes a lot of time and causes sweat – ew – instead I choose to smoke as much as I can. When I first wake up in the morning, I have a cigarette ready to light before my feet touch the floor. Between sips of coffee, I’m already taking a drag off my fifth or sixth morning cigarette. When I step out of the shower I’ve got one on a towel and the other on my pack. You might think that smoking is an expensive addiction, but its’s not as if I have a grocery bill (apple cider vinegar is cheap and a bag of edamame keeps me fed for a year easy).
Most people will tell you that alcohol is bad for you. These people are boring and most likely resemble Suzanne Somers. That’s just all types of wrong. Gin is a wondrous creation, especially Hendrick’s. I have at least five cocktails a night, all that caffeine needs a mighty strong combatant. By drinking top shelf gin I avoid hangovers. And since I don’t exercise, I don’t have to worry about sweating out any alcohol through my skin. Speaking of skin, I use vodka for a refreshing toner to prevent wrinkling or just to chase with coffee when people ask me stupid questions.
Lastly, and most importantly, I find young men in their twenties and extract their collagen. My lower incisors are able to hold tight onto their necks during times of struggle. My canines are hollow and can quickly take what I need before anyone has a chance to contact the police. Lucky for me, Seattle is chock full of men in their twenties, so I never need worry about low supply.
If you want to take that extra initiative in your every day appearance, I recommend buying clothes that cost as much as most people’s mortgage payments. That sweater you found at The Gap may be cute, but you know twelve other bitches thought the same thing. Find stores where clothes are sold in limited quantities and be sure to spend at least $100 on a t-shirt. If your jacket doesn’t cost at least $800, then you’re going to make a lasting impression on complete strangers. And you’re also poor. Ew.