Timing is everything on the Internet, which means I need to set aside more time to compose my thoughts. But that’s another post for another time.
So, like, what’s this twitter stuff people in the states seem to be fond of?
So, Twitter. What the hell is it? What does it do? Why does everyone talk about it so much? How do I use it? How am I going to make money using it? These are all very good questions, and, naturally, they’re pointless to ask. This is 2009 and the site has been around for years. That you are only catching on to this tool mean you should be ashamed of yourself for even asking these questions. For shame. Now go take up something like knitting to tidy your idle hands and lackadaisical interest for all things internet.
Twitter allows people with too much time on their hands to blather. The rest of society, those who appreciate the fruits of labor and understand that time is money, will view the site as nothing more than juveniles and juvenile adults congregating en masse to share text messages on the internet. Think of every time you have ever driven in your Jaguar XJ and glanced at countless plebians texting on their mobile devices. These commoners, no doubt, are probably sending a message on Twitter that they saw your Jaguar XJ.
Privacy! Where did it go? Who can say.
These people clearly don’t value their time and will choose instead to waste it on minutiae using 140 characters or less – also known as “tweets” – such as “going to bed” and “the doctor says it’s not cancer!”. Many of these tweets involve phrases such as
- LOL
- FTW
- nomnomnom
And other words that demonstrate an individual’s desire to gain acceptance by writing in the vein of a mental retard. Or a non-emancipated minor. Why split hairs?
Some people would qualify these phrases as neologisms. These are the same people who write in the aforementioned vein. As such, they deserve to be shunned. But I digress. Tweets contain just about anything, but more often than not they’re about trading neologisms or blog posts. Original!
Many users on Twitter will keep their posted tweets private, should nosy employers and employees want to see how certain someones are really spending their time on the clock. On your dime. Other Twitter users will keep their posts private so others won’t read the shit-talkin’ going on.
Slackers! And eunuchs. The lot of ’em.
You can read other Twitter users’ tweets by “following” them. The more users you follow, the more time you will waste reading about other people’s success with finishing a meal or conquering cancer. You can also acquire popularity as increasing users follow your every tweet. And with popularity comes endorsements and merchandising! Soon your Twitter account will be seen on every coffee mug and billboard across this great nation. I promise you, before you leave this planet, your tweets will be printed on packaging for snack cakes and generic soft drinks. So let it be written, so shall it be done.
So why should you use Twitter? Good question. Read How I use Twitter by jbrotherlove. Apply your own set of rules, sign up with Twitter, and away you go! AWAY!
People may say there’s money to be made on Twitter, but if that’s true then where the hell are the television infomercials (neologism!) that promise these riches? Nowhere, that’s where. I present to you two ways how Twitter can make money for you:
- Post a tweet asking people to send you money.
- Post a tweet that brings people to your site, thereby increasing site traffic and
- improving opportunities for ad sales; or
- converting site traffic into product consumers
Let’s not mince words here: either option can prove successful, but you will also quickly become an irritating presence in the Twitterverse. (Again with the neologism.) You will lose followers if you constantly post tweets about yourself ad naseum. I personally tend to block such folks and wish pox upon their homes. Your best bet is to keep your posts witty and short. Include links to other funny things on the web. Keep people laughing, and more importantly, keep them at a distance. Do you really know who these people are? Of course you don’t. They are, most likely, registered sex offenders. No one can hurt you if a person is in physical pain from laughing so hard.
Do you need Twitter in your life? Depends. If you’re already addicted to MySpace, you’re a lost cause and will not appreciate the simplicity that Twitter brings. If you use Facebook on a frequent basis, you’re just as fucked as MySpace users. A cleaner user interface doesn’t excuse you, sorry. And Friendster users? Please. For everyone else in the world, Twitter is for you. Especially if you wait years to sign up with a site that is already part of everyday living for aforementioned users.
If you’re looking for the next big thing after Twitter, I have one word for you: connecting. As in, turn off your computer and interact with people. Pick up a phone, people! Remember phones? You use them to call people in addition to texting. Seriously, when was the last time any of you called me? Honestly, the nerve.